Finding My Voice.

To say that my life is a little more subdued these days is an understatement.

As mentioned in my last entry, there’s a lot going on behind the scenes, but I’m not ready to talk about that just yet until it really takes off. What I can talk about is my own present path of self-discovery that I’ve been working on right now.

It’s taken me nearly a year to find “my” writing voice again. Everything that I had written for months on end sounded disjointed and without passion. I’ve really started looking back at my writing over the years, both written and online. There was such a sense of adventure to even the most small of things, coupled with a sense of “present tense” dialogue, and wry observation of my settings. My life, as I’ve noticed, really has made no sense. What has been “normal” for me probably does come off as a little alien to my readers. Maybe that’s part of the appeal. I’ve spent my whole life building up and collecting experiences, finding myself in one situation after another, and then eager ready to share them with my audience. It’s not meant as a “braggart” lifestyle (at least I’ve never intended it as such). I just love telling stories.

It’s those stories that sometimes put me on the outside to the “normal” relatability of jobs and life. Thirteen years on film sets and stages can do that as much as ten sporadic years of pulling off finishing moves on digital warriors can. Watching Richard Curtis’ Almost Time movie last night allowed me to rattle off cheerful stories to Jen of working with Rachel McAdams and Bill Nighy during various early points in my career.

And I thought about that. I have all of these stories, photos, experiences of my life collected in various print and digital volumes, and I find that it may be time to start sharing those stories by writing one of my own. I have (as I once saw best described in some meme somewhere) lived the karaoke version of a rockstar lifestyle. I’ve never headlined my own film, but I’ve had the experiences, and those “present” collected moments reminded me of how lucky I’ve been to take part in something special for so long.

Deadwood sketchings from my old journals.

Deadwood sketchings from my old journals.

The hard part, of course, will be in sitting my easily distracted self down to compose all of these stories, and do a travel guide, and start working on children’s stories that I’ve drafted, but never published.

So with changes come a shift in priorities. I’m not going to stop “living” to document all of the old times, but I need to do something with them before they are lost to time or circumstance. I’m regaining confidence in my “conversational writing” again, I’m really thinking about what my personal values are, and how I can use that to help, or even entertain others. I read Carrie Fisher’s last book The Princess Diarist, and marvelled about her humored candidness. I’m trying to put myself back out there as well, after admittedly shutting myself off for a while. There’s a lot of “noise” out there. I’m learning how to shut that out instead.

“Holy shit, I’m forty-one years old”, I blurted out to myself in the middle of a parking lot, while putting away my groceries. I, of course, got a few strange looks from passers by during that admission, but my observation wasn’t for them. It sort of finally hit me that I’ve come this far in my life, where 30 once seemed impossible, and 40 didn’t even seem feasible. Good God, 50 could even conceptually be an actual thing in my life at some point, but not for a while. Let’s not jump on that train yet. I have too much to do in that between time, and I just just as easily be killed by an ostrich between here and then.

I’m eccentric and frustrating to some, but I know where my strengths are as well. I’m anxious about what’s coming next, but is it also part of that need in me to tell a story. But I have to reestablish my place as a central character.

So here I am, sharing this journey, sharing this “next step”… knowing where the destination is, but as it’s been said before, the journey is often more important. If you like the travel and seeing the process of how I’ve chosen this path, fantastic. Otherwise, you can wait for the Cliff’s Notes version, and fill in the blanks later.

Such is life. Or not.

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