I’m not a “Dad” in the traditional sense, but I had one once.
Still do, in a way, though he just resides in memory and heart now. As for me being a Dad, I cater to a trio of wagging, snuffling little furballs. Sure, some people say that dogs aren’t “real” kids, but when you lack the wee humans of your own, those looks of adoration from a little being that depends on you regardless of two or four legs…. It gets to you. The appreciation is “real”.
The hard part about Father’s Day for me is memory. Things aren’t as clear anymore as they used to be. Dad existing feels like a lifetime ago, and sometimes I have to think about how he sounded, or guess what he’d say about a certain situation. He’d shake his head and wonder what the Hell happened if he saw the news of the world today, and how it’s affected people. Sometimes, I invoke him on purpose. Other times, it’s purely instinct that Dad’s mannerisms pour through me. I was having dinner once with a group of co-workers, and during the conversation, they decided to imitate how I talk and motion during conversation. All I saw was him. They were imitating someone they had never met, but it was through me.
I forget about Father’s Day, honestly, until some e-mail or comment jars me into remembering “Oh yes, that’s today, isn’t it?” The hardest part… The hardest part is the fear of forgetting. I can’t remember certain tones of voice, or sayings, or bits of past, and sometimes, there’s no one to ask how to get it back. Watching Finding Dory yesterday hit me especially hard, because in some ways, I have a bit of Dory in me now.
Work has been unique. I don’t regret it. I have ideas, and plans, and some of the crazy stuff that I’m trying to pull off is actually working. I have a level of creativity and direction that I hadn’t been able to enjoy for a while. Being able to move forward on ideas, instead of having them linger in some limbo, or being told that things cannot change. Because they can. Turns out I’m not too bad on trusting my instincts. My ideas may be unusual, but they can work when given a chance.
Though I do wish I could read some situations better. Some new clients have been excellent. I had one client take advantage and rip me off, and I lost my temper. There are more than a fair share of people that use and take in this city, and after one scam artist too many, I wanted to call this recent one out. I don’t like toxic people. They really do poison the people around them, and I realized, in a moment where I wanted to “get back”, I wasn’t behaving much better, however “justified” I felt. So I took a step back, and decided not to be my own poison. That’s not to say that I didn’t take some measures. Word of mouth in the right areas goes a long way, and the idea of “karma” has to take care of the rest (though I’d still love to jump kick the person, just to finally say that I’ve jump kicked a person. That one would be a worthy recipient).
But I have to let it go.
Besides, being in a self-creative environment, I’ve already got my next creative idea in process. Again, it’s borderline ridiculous, but I think I can pull it off. I’ll find the people who “get” my idea, and ultimately my goal is more than running a crazy pet resort in a seedy desert city. It’s about building a whole other community in itself.
I still need to look in the right places.